Whether or not to divorce is a tough decision. Is it the right decision? Could we make the marriage work if we tried harder? How will the kids fare? Will we have any money left? There are many variables to consider when contemplating divorce.

Rebuilding your life after divorce can also be difficult. How will I deal with being alone? How will I survive financially? How can we ensure that the kids are okay? How do I deal with my ex-spouse in a way that doesn't hurt the kids? How long before I should start dating again? Do I have to date again? Rebuilding your life can be a difficult, emotionally charged journey.

Do any of these stories resonate with you?

"When we got married, my husband and I had the same future planned. We wanted to do well in our careers and have a couple of kids. About a year into the marriage he decided he didn't want kids and had a vasectomy. I was angry that he took away my chance for children, but the thought of divorce never entered my mind. I grew up in a family where you did not get divorced. He disagrees and thinks we should get divorced."

"She cheated. She isn't in love with her fellow adulterer, and said she wanted to stay married to me, but she hasn't shown any remorse. In fact, she said it was in her nature and she'd probably cheat again."

"We were so much in love when we got together, but we've grown apart. It's like we're roommates now. We even went to a marriage counselor, but we haven't been able to reignite our love. We don't hate each other. We're not mad at each other. It's like we're just roommates though."

"He was so sweet when we were dating. He'd buy me chocolates and flowers and pull out chairs for me. He was polite to my friends and family and never raised his voice. Within a month after our wedding, he started changing. He'd get mad and yell. Eventually, he'd get mad and hit me. Well, I still love him and I still wasn't thinking about divorce, but now he's talking about children. I can't bring children into this marriage. What do I do?"

Therapists can help

Therapists can help you sift through your emotions and help you decide what the best course of action is for you. A trained therapist is not going to make the decision for you, but listen to you, make objective observations, get you to think about your motivations, and help you make sense of what you're feeling.

A therapist that specializes in divorce can help you get through a divorce and rebuild your life after divorce. The therapist can help you find the resources you need, can be a sounding board, and can help minimize the pain.

"I'm afraid the therapist is going to think I'm an idiot for not leaving sooner."

It is unlikely that a good, trained therapist will judge you. A profressional therapist has seen a lot and knows that people have different motivations, different backgrounds, and different beliefs. Therapists want to help you, not judge you. A therapist will help you through the divorce process and help you to rebuild your life, making the whole transition a little easier.

"What if the therapist thinks we haven't tried hard enough?"

A therapist's job is not to make decisions for you, but to help you understand why you do things the way you do, make the choices you make, and change your processes if you want to change your processes. If you have decided to divorce, the therapist will help you through the process and help you rebuild your life. If you haven't made the decision to divorce, the therapist will help you sift through your feelings and motivations so you can make a decision. If a therapist thinks your marriage is worth working on, and if you haven't decided to divorce yet, a therapist can prompt you to think in that direction —but a therapist won't make your decisions for you.

"We can barely afford the divorce. How can I afford a therapist?"

Some therapists charge using a sliding scale, and some therapists accept insurance. Even if a lower rate or insurance is not available to you, therapy is still worth considering. Trained divorce therapists have helped many people through divorce. They've built up a network of contacts and know what resources are available to you. A therapist can help you avoid costly mistakes by suggesting mediators that they know and trust instead of attorneys and by pointing out other resources as needed. Think of trained divorce therapists like you would think of professional tax preparers: they can help you save money in other areas, thereby generating the funds you to pay them.

Still not sure?

They wanted a divorce but didn't want to hurt the kids

"Our biggest concern was simple: How do we get divorced? It was uncharted territory. We hired a lawyer and immediately it became clear to me that was a mistake. The lawyer drove a wedge between us, and that looked like a big “lose” for the kids. Where it was critical to come closer together and develop a long-term strategy for successful co-parenting, the lawyer made it clear that it was all about 'winning' or 'taking.'

Our biggest concern was how do we do this to minimize the impact on the kids. Everything we did with our therapist lined up to achieve this goal. Her counseling brought us closer together as a couple, allowed us to de-escalate some heated feelings, gave us boundaries we could live with, and encouraged us to recognize when we were being unreasonable and perhaps unrealistic.

Because of her experience our therapist was able to clearly see a roadmap for success that might not be visible to a couple in the middle of the pain of divorce. Honestly, she felt like a guide pulling us through a dark jungle in the middle of a thunderstorm at night. We had no idea where we were going. It may sound a bit over the top but she gently (and sometimes not so gently, thank you) brought us to a place where we went from turmoil to a family at peace.

I can’t imagine the monumental mistake it would have been to have used a divorce lawyer! Working with our therapist, it felt like she had the best interest of our kids and our family at heart. She brought us together.

We saved thousands of dollars in the process of building collaboration, a solid co-parenting structure, and ensuring a rock solid parental foundation for our kids. Not bad."