"A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday."—Jonathan Swift 

"Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others."—Lao Tzu  

"We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents."—Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is Shame?

Shame is the inner voice that condemns ourselves. "Something is wrong with me," "I am inferior to others," and "I am undeserving of compassion, understanding, and/or love" are a few examples of what the voice might say. 

Shame is often a diversion from other feelings we may experience as uncomfortable such as fear, anger, vulnerability, neediness, and sadness.  Instead of feeling one of these emotions, we choose to think self-depreciating thoughts instead or in conjunction with the feeling.

Why do we do this?

We most likely do this because when we were young, we were shamed by our parents or caregivers for having emotions that our caregivers were uncomfortable with. (Because their parents were not comfortable with those emotions in themselves, and so on...) For example, if a mother is uncomfortable with her own fear, it will be difficult for her to tolerate her child's fear.  She will do her best, but eventually, given the right circumstances, she will be triggered, and will say something like, "Quit acting like such a baby!" or "I'll give you something to cry about!" when her child expresses fear.  Thus, the child learns that his/her fear is not ok, and internalizes that to mean that he/she is not ok when feeling that emotion.  This child then grows into an adult, and when he/she feels fear, automatically shames him/herself for feeling fear, creating unnecessary self-aggression.

What is the difference between shame and guilt?

We feel guilt when we have done something that we deem a mistake.  Guilt motivates us to say, "I'm sorry," or to make amends in whatever way is appropriate given the situation.  Shame on the other hand, is an attack on ourselves.  Dealing with guilt is about dealing with our behavior—shame is about who we believe we are.

The shame and low self-esteem connection

Shame and low self esteem are intimately connected.  If we want to feel good about ourselves, becoming aware of how shame is contributing to our negative self-perception and where it originates can be helpful.

Read Part 2 of this article to find out more about the psychology of shame and what to do to help the process of letting go of shame.