When we have a child, from birth, we go to extreme lengths to love, care for and protect that child. We often fight for that child, defend that child and support that child in any way we can. Then, what seems overnight almost, that child becomes a teenager, an independent being with his/her own beliefs, ideas and struggles. And as a parent, who can no longer kiss the boo boos and make everything better we often feel helpless and defenseless against a world and an individual that may seem foreign. I frequently hear the following phrases from parents in my office: “I had no idea,” “I thought everything was fine,” “I don’t understand why…” Ironically enough, from teens I hear the following statements about their parents: “they don’t understand”, “they’re too busy,” and “it doesn’t matter”. 

Even though your teenager may often appear standoffish and unavailable to you, it is imperative that you continue to attempt to communicate with him/her

Many of the behaviors that teens exhibit are due to their frustration with many things: school, family, change, and yes, you too. So you may be asking, “How do I do that? How do I communicate with my teen?” First of all you have to understand that your teen wants you to communicate with them. This is a time in their life when they likely need you the most, as it is a time when they are trying to discover how they fit into the world and believe it or not, you play a huge role in that process. So let’s talk about some simple things you can do to effectively communicate with your teenager. 

Take an active interest

If I asked you who is your teen’s favorite band, or what scares them most, would you know the answers? Talk to your teen about what he/she likes and what they don’t. Ask questions and try to develop an understanding of what’s important to them. While some of these things may seem trivial to you as an adult, understanding your teen better can help you communicate better as well. 

Don’t judge

Now please note that I didn’t say, don’t correct, reprimand, etc. It is by all means still your job to set appropriate limits. What I mean by judging is this: Many times parents pass judgment on things such as the way your teen dresses, the music they listen to, their friends, etc. This is a time when they are looking for acceptance and attempting to fit in. Accepting your teen and supporting them in their search for self is at the core of your relationship with your teen. Feeling judged is a communication killer.

Let them make mistakes

Part of growing up and becoming self-sufficient is learning how to cope with the consequences of our own actions/choices. So use your best judgment, but don’t be so quick to try to head-off foreseen mistakes. Much of the time we learn more from what we do wrong than what we do right.

Don’t take it personal

There is a pretty good chance that your teenager might be, shall we say “grumpy” on occasion. Much of the time these moods are again a result of frustration. Offer to talk to your teen. If they decline then give them some space, so they can try to work through it on their own. Trying to force the issue typically only leads to arguing and contention. It will pass.

Really listen

When your teen does come to you make sure they know you are really listening. Stop what you re doing, sit down with them and show them they have your undivided attention. Be empathetic to the situation at hand and validate your teen’s feelings. They not only need to know that you are listening and concerned but that you understand their feelings, even if you yourself may have reacted differently. 

Pay attention

What are they doing? Who are they spending their time with? What are their hopes and dreams? What are their goals? This is an endless list. If you aren’t paying attention it is very difficult to notice when something changes. Changes are one of the best ways to assess if your teen might be experiencing something that warrants your concern. 

Parenting your teenager will most likely always be full of surprises, disappointments and misunderstandings, but by actively and openly communicating with your teen in a way that they can be receptive these things can be minimized.