When should you tell the kids?

Divorce . It’s that nasty little thing that is everywhere, yet somehow manages to make people feel inhibited about discussing it.  Often times these inhibitions play a role in how divorcing parents talk to their children, or rather how they don’t talk to their children.  Granted, this is not an easy subject to introduce.  Do we bring it up at the park or after dinner?  We can’t do it around the holidays.  So when is the best time?  The answer to that question is—the sooner the better. Typically kids like to know what’s going on within their worlds and a pending divorce is no call for an exception.  Therefore, once you and your spouse have concluded that a divorce is inevitable, and you begin working on a plan for separation and divorce, informing the children is a logical next step.  

Be prepared—they’ll have questions

They will most likely have questions for you—including a few hard ones. Some of them you may have answers for and others you may not.  If you don’t have the answers, simply tell them that you don’t know but that when you do know the answer you will share it with him/her.  The big question of course is, why?  This requires some thought.  Remember not to point fingers. Your children want and need a relationship with both of you.

Be prepared—your child will have some knowledge of divorce

Be aware of what your child’s experience is with divorce through their friends or extended family members.  Most children have some knowledge (good and bad) of what having divorced parents means.  Their current knowledge may or may not be parallel to the experience of their own parents divorcing.

Know your child’s temperament

While some children may immediately have questions or express strong emotion to your getting a divorce, others may not appear to respond at all.  Allow them to respond in their own way and be supportive of their response, understanding that just as there is a process of divorce, there is a process of loss and change for your children.  Don’t assume that if your child says nothing that he/she has no questions/concerns.  Check back with them periodically to see how they are feeling.  Also watch for changes, such as those in academic performance, behavioral changes, developmental regression, and/or frequent mood changes.  These things may be signs that your child is struggling with the changes that are taking place and warrant your attention.

Be aware of your resources

There are many different resources available to provide support and assistance to family members going through the process of divorce.  For example there are many books for children on the subject of divorce, geared for different age groups.  You may also find it useful to read up on how to effectively co-parent after the divorce to ensure continued stability for your children. 

A few pointers

• Tell them together
• Keep it simple
• You don’t have to have all of the answers
• Be honest with them
• Leave out the details; they don’t need to know them (don’t point fingers)
• Reassure them that you both love them and will both still continue to be there for them
• Keep the lines of communication open at all times
• If they’re not ready to talk immediately, don’t push
• Be aware of your own current emotional state, they will be
• Keep the kids out of the middle

It’s an on-going process

Lastly, remember that divorce is an on-going process, and will require management even after the final paperwork comes in.  You can continue to provide your children with a stable family structure by working collaboratively with your ex-spouse, openly communicating with your children, and by learning what they need from you.