If a miracle happened and therapy cured your marriage over night, how would you know? What would be different tomorrow? Would your partner stop nagging? Would you be excited to see your partner when you came home from work every day? Would you want to be intimate more often? Would you argue less?

In some ways, this is a trick question. Therapy doesn't work magically, and it doesn’t work over night. However, this question can help you and your therapist discover whether therapy can save your marriage. In this article, I'll show you some ways to begin to find out how therapy can help when your marriage is on the rocks.

Why should you try to save your marriage?

Marriage is a commitment. No one says "I do" thinking that their marriage won't last, but over 50% of marriages end up in divorce.  If so many people are choosing to dissolve their marriages, is any marriage worth saving?

Married people live longer, happier lives

Marriage is hard work, but current research is finding many reasons to encourage people to try to save their marriages. Not only are married people healthier, but they also live longer, happier lives. Most marriages go through ups and downs. If you have been feeling that your marriage is off course for a while and it’s more than just a bad patch, speaking with a trained professional may help you avoid a break-up.

Sometimes divorced friends seem to have greener pastures

People sometimes see friends who have ended their marriage and assume that the single life is better than staying married. The grass may appear to be greener on the other side of the fence, but it is not always as green as it appears. One of my friends was single for many years. She tried to keep a positive outlook as she rebuilt her life.

The grass is not necessarily greener

Several of her girlfriends told her that they were thinking about leaving their marriages because she appeared to be having such a wonderful life. She had told only a few people about the unbearable situation she had endured in her marriage to protect her ex-husband and her children. Once she told her friends about the ordeal she went through in her marriage, how difficult single life and the dating scene was for her, she always encouraged them to work on their marriages.

If you have children, trying to save the marriage is even more important

If you have children and your marriage is not working, it is even more important to get help. Children add both joy and strain to relationships. The added responsibilities that raising children require can interfere with making time for you and your partner to keep your relationship vibrant. Your children learn about marriage and adult relationships by watching how you and your partner interact. Arguing, separation, and divorce take a toll on you and your children. Therapy can help you learn to deal with conflict in more productive ways. In addition, the pain of separation or divorce on children may be avoidable with the help of therapy.

Even if therapy cannot save your marriage, it will help you understand what went wrong

Many people come for therapy with a new partner years after a divorce. Although they chose someone who seemed to be very different from their ex-partner, they report similar issues arising in the new relationship. If you do not understand what went wrong in your marriage, you may end up in another relationship with the same problems down the road. Even if therapy cannot save your current relationship, it can help you avoid the pain of another similar failed relationship.

Therapy is too expensive, isn’t it?

If you are having financial problems you may be thinking that you cannot afford therapy. The current economic crisis with repeated layoffs and salary freezes has put marriages under greater financial and emotional stress. I know that therapy is expensive. In a perfect world therapy would be free. The complexity of modern life has led to the need for specialists who can help clients when they are struggling with life’s challenges. In the past, families lived in close proximity to their families of origin. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles shared the burden of childcare. Families or religious leaders helped relieve some of the emotional stress as well. Today, people often live across the nation or around the world from their families of origin, leading to less physical and emotional support for couples dealing with marital problems. The physical and emotional distance from family and community support make it necessary to get professional help.

Divorce can be very expensive

In my practice I see many people who are or have gone through divorces that have cost them dearly. They would gladly have saved thousands of dollars spent in legal fees, if therapy could have saved their marriages.

Look for alternatives to reduce the cost of therapy

Many therapists will accept insurance payments. There are free clinics or clinicians who use a sliding scale for clients who are going through rough financial times. Can you put a dollar amount on the value of your and your family’s emotional health?  Is keeping your family intact worth the investment in therapy?  If your marriage dissolves without trying your hardest to salvage it, can you afford the emotional and financial cost to you and your family?

What if my spouse doesn’t believe in therapy and refuses to come?

Many people don’t consider therapy because their partner refuses to speak with a therapist. Their partner doesn’t believe that therapy will help or doesn’t want anyone to know their business. If their spouse refuses to come, they feel they can't do it alone, so why try therapy?

It is frustrating when a marriage is not working and your spouse refuses to get help, but you do not have to deal with your problems alone. Therapists frequently deal with this dilemma.  Although it is not the ideal situation, even if a partner refuses to come, it is possible to consult with a therapist about your marriage. Often a therapist can help you find a way to get your partner to come, even for a single session, which may lead to further sessions.

Sometimes, if you change, your partner will begin to shift as well

In the same way that a pebble thrown into a pond starts to shift the water around it, your work in therapy may act like the pebble and lead to changes in your relationship.

A case example of a spouse recognizing the benefits of therapy

Several years ago, at a social event, I ran into a couple I had hadn’t seen for years. I had worked almost exclusively with the wife. Her husband did not believe in therapy and had only come once or twice. His wife had worked for over a year on her issues. At the time, she had been on the fence regarding her marriage.

While she was in therapy, she would tell me that whenever she came home from a session her husband would say, “Are you still seeing Barbara? Why are you wasting your time and money on therapy?”

When I ran into them, I spoke briefly to both of them and we went our separate ways. I was surprised fifteen minutes later when the husband came up to me. He said he wanted to thank me personally for saving his marriage!

“We tried therapy and it didn’t work”

You may have tried therapy. If it did not work, you may be reluctant to try again. You may have felt that the therapist did not understand what was wrong. You or your partner may have felt ganged up on by the therapist, so you may be thinking, “why try again?”

I know that it is frustrating when you try to get help and it doesn't work. When therapy hasn’t worked, it becomes harder to go back for help a second time. Every therapist is different. Not only are there many different approaches to therapy, but every therapist also brings their own style and personality into the equation. When clients report to me about failed attempts with other therapists, I use the information to help me understand you and your problems and to design a course of therapy that will be more helpful. By avoiding the mistakes other therapists made, even the unsuccessful experiences in therapy can help to save your marriage.

Therapy does take time

If after a six to eight sessions, you feel that the therapist doesn't understand you, first try to speak with them about your concerns. If that doesn't help, get a second opinion. If you needed an operation, you might go to two or three physicians before choosing a surgeon. Isn’t it worth getting second or third opinion about your marriage?

I have worked with all types of marital issues.

Successful resolutions for marital therapy include:

• Working things out and having a stronger healthier relationship;
• Deciding to separate while continuing to work on the marriage followed by reconciliation; and,
• Ending a marriage with an amicable divorce.

Often, I am surprised by the outcome. Here are a few examples of how therapy may help when it seems that only a miracle will do.

John and Leslie: finding a miracle after an affair

After an affair, you may be afraid that your marriage is over. Marriage is based first and foremost on trust. After an affair, trust has been destroyed. Whether it can be repaired varies from couple to couple. Some people believe that an affair is crossing the line. Vows were broken and they feel that the marriage cannot be repaired. They feel they will never be able to forgive their partner’s indiscretions or trust them again.

Both parties must accept responsibilities for their part of the relationship breakdown

The first step to healing after affair is accepting responsibility for the problems that led to the affair. Both partners need to accept their part in the breakdown of the relationship. They must acknowledge the fact that if the problems in the relationship had continued for long enough either partner might have had an affair. Each person must take responsibility for what went wrong in the marriage. The person who had the affair must also be willing to be accountable, open, and honest with their partner if trust is to be rebuilt.

John had a child with his mistress

When John & Leslie (not their actual names), came to see me I was not sure if their marriage could be salvaged, but they wanted to try. John had an affair that had led to the birth of a child. Leslie was distraught. Leslie’s miracle cure included John leaving the affair and having the loving relationship she remembered from early in their marriage. John was willing to end the affair, but wanted to have a strong relationship with his son. They separated and continued to meet in therapy.

What caused the breakdown?

In addition to couples' sessions, John and Leslie took advantage of individual therapy to understand their part in what had gone wrong in their marriage. They realized that on an unconscious level, John’s affair had been due to a strong need to have a child. Prior to the affair and therapy for that matter, John and Leslie thought they had accepted the fact that they could not bear children.

Leslie had thrown herself into her work

In therapy, Leslie realized had thrown herself into her work as a fundraiser for UNICEF to avoid her guilt and feelings of lack of self worth related to her infertility. Her fundraising events became her “babies,” taking her around the world to help children from third world countries. The excitement of helping needy children helped her fill the void of the thought of never having children of her own. As she spent less and less time at home, John‘s interest in her work decreased.

John really wanted children and a loving family

John, who had been adopted into a loving family as an infant, always imagined having a family. He had never spoken to a therapist and had never felt a need to discuss his adoption with anyone. He found himself feeling lonely and unfulfilled, but unable to discuss his frustration with his wife. He resented her work and her apparent nonchalance about not having children.

John and Leslie managed to rekindle their love

During the trial separation, they began to “date” and found that they were able to rekindle their love. Leslie realized that her “affair” had been with her work, which she had used to avoid her feelings of barrenness. She accepted responsibility for opening the door for John’s affair. They are still together. Both John and Leslie are enjoying parenting John's son, albeit on a part-time basis.

Tom: If a miracle happened, I’d be “in love” with my wife again

When Carol and Tom came in for therapy, Carol was crushed and frustrated. Tom told her he loved her but was not “in love” with her. Tom was a lawyer who commuted to New York City. Every day, he caught a train at 6:00 AM and got home around 8:00 PM on a good night. Carol left her job in Manhattan at a publishing company after the birth of her eighteen-month-old daughter. She loved being a mother, but missed the excitement of publishing books. The couple moved to Connecticut shortly before their daughter was born. Carol had made a few friends, but found little in common with the women she was meeting. When Tom would come home, she wanted him to help with their daughter and to have some quality time with another adult. He was exhausted, so he would watch TV and fall asleep by 10:00 PM.

Marriage is like a fire

Tom’s vision of a miracle cure was: “to feel in love with his wife again.”  Carol wanted “to be able to talk to Tom about any and everything and hold hands the way they did before they moved to the suburbs.”  Marriage is like a fire; it needs to be stoked or it will go out. Loving marriages need tending as well. Therapy for Tom and Carol was relatively easy. I had both partners do their DPS (Dream Positioning System) to see where they would like to see themselves in the future. Their dreams were fairly compatible.

Carol tried to make herself happier in her new life

Based on her DPS, Carol did some individual therapy to help her find ways to be happier in her new life. Carol made a mistake that many parents make of assuming that their needs have to be set aside for their children’s needs. By neglecting her needs, she was left feeling bored, lonely, and depressed. She began writing a book about how to get a book published. She joined a writer’s group and made some friends in Connecticut.

Tom realized he was overworking

 Carol’s dissatisfaction was making her less attractive to her husband. Tom felt guilty for not being able to fill the void she was feeling in their life. In therapy, he realized he, like Carol, was not taking good care of himself. He was over-worked and exhausted. Some of his excessive work had been a way to avoid coming home to an unhappy wife.

As they started taking care of themselves, they became more attractive to each other

As she began to take care of her needs, she became more like the woman he fell in love with and married.  He arranged to work from home on Fridays unless he had a court date. He changed his morning appointments so that he could leave home at 7:30 AM two days a week. They agreed to turn off the TV three nights a week. They took turns planning a regular date night once a week. Each of them planned their dates with the goal of surprising their partner with something they thought the other person would love. It was relatively easy for Carol and Tom to rekindle the flame between them, since their marriage had been based on a strong bond. Although, what most people call being “in love” may actually be infatuation, getting back the spark and stoking real love’s fire in a marriage is possible.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child

Both Tom and Carol were like a parent on a plane that has lost oxygen. Although they couldn’t breathe, they were trying to put the oxygen mask on their child first. We all know that adults must first place an oxygen mask on themselves before they put the oxygen mask on their children. We have been told every time we board a plane to put the mask on ourselves first or you will pass out and be unable to help your child. If you do not take care of your needs and take care of the health of your relationship, you will not be able to care for your children’s needs. Children need parents who are happy. They also benefit from seeing their parents in a good relationship. Taking time for your relationship and for yourselves, is not selfish, it is self-assertive. By taking care of yourselves, you are helping your children as well.

What if you or your partner can’t imagine a miracle cure?

If you or your partner can’t imagine what would be different if therapy cured your marriage over night, therapy may be more challenging. It may mean that you or your partner has more than one foot out the door. In these instances, therapy can help people design a trial separation. Sometimes, the reality of single life helps couples see what they are losing, and this can lead to reconciliation. Other times, it may lead to a civilized divorce. Even in these situations, there may be surprises. I have known couples that were separated for years. Despite the fact that each person had developed relationships with new partners, they found their way back to one another with the help of therapy. Although it is rare, there are even couples who have divorced and remarried several years later.

Summary and action steps you can take to save your marriage

Here are some of the ways to find out if therapy can save your marriage.

• For therapy to save a marriage after an affair, accept the fact that either you or partner might have had an affair if the problems in the relationship had festered for long enough.
• Use therapy to understand what went wrong in your marriage.
• Find ways to stoke the fire in your marriage by making time for your relationship.
• If you take care of your needs, you, your children, and your relationship will benefit.
• Even if your spouse refuses to speak with a therapist, therapy can help.
• If you or your partner cannot see a miracle cure, consider a separation while continuing to work on reconciliation in therapy.

As a therapist, I try to keep an open mind. Only you and your partner know what is right for your marriage. As a therapist, I try to help you find and design your own miracle cure. Therapy does not work over night, but within two to three months after starting to work on your marriage, you should have a sense of whether your marriage is feeling better or not. If it is not, speak with your therapist about your concerns, consider a trial separation or get a second opinion.