Most divorcing parents believe their children are being protected from the details of their divorce. They make sure they speak quietly into the phone when discussing them with family and friends. They don’t leave court papers or their financial documents around. They only work on them when the children are with the other parent.

Divorce and children

Should the children start showing signs of having information that you are positive you did not expose them to, your first thought might be that the other parent is the one who is being indiscreet and involving the children in the intricacies of this often overwhelming family transition.

You might think the other parent is being indiscreet, but little ears that hear are more likely

While this scenario is plausible, it is not always accurate. Whether you live in a small community or a large one, children have active lives at school, with their friends, on teams, and at music lessons. They are sometimes learning about their own families from the information their friends and schoolmates pick up while hearing one side of a phone conversation with their Mom or Dad (your best friend) or overhearing one of their parents talking to a friend or neighbor about your divorce or hearing a child at school talk about what they heard someone else say.

News and gossip travels fast

News, all news, travels fast. In the desire to be helpful, concerned, and useful, people will often discuss another person’s experience. Your children can easily be in the path of hearing about details you thought you were shielding them from. It is important to have close trusted people to talk to while you go through your divorce. You may be surprised at how much can be overheard when you are whispering. Most of the time we think children have hearing problems because of the number of times we have to ask them to do something. Their hearing is fine...in fact it is generally extraordinary.

A few suggestions about keeping the details of the divorce away from the children:

• Limit your phone calls to times when the children are not home.
  
• Do not talk to your friends and family when their children are home.
  
• Talk with your confidants about not discussing your divorce with anyone. Should you find they are doing so, let them know you can’t continue to talk with them about it.
  
• Discuss it with the other parent. Ascertain if you are both in agreement as to how to shelter your children. Get help if you find agreement is hard to get to.

Children should be safeguarded from the specifics of your divorce

They do not need the burden of knowing that money is tight, why Mom or Dad are really divorcing, arguments about where everyone will live or where they will go to school. General conversations when children ask questions are very appropriate and can often be addressed by letting the children know that you and the other parent are working out the details. Information about what you and the other parent are at odds about, how you feel about it and asking the children to tell you what they want to do, or what they have been discussing with the other parent are more than children should have to manage. Help your children continue to have the belief and the experience that their parents are a strong force in their lives and they are both working together for their benefit.