George had 12 years of sobriety while focusing on his family and career. Four months ago, he was promoted to a management position. Mary knew that now George was under much more stress. Secretly, she wondered what effects the stress would have on him. She didn’t wonder long. On a Friday after work, he went for drinks with some of the other managers. He drank more than he intended. George came home late. It was obvious to Mary that he was drunk. She felt irritated, angry and distraught. Twelve years ago, he had promised Mary he wouldn’t drink again, and now this relapse happened.
In the next 3 months, George had 4 more incidents. Mary had been through this before—too many times. Her anger, distress and worry slowly turned to a melancholy despair. In the privacy of her mind, Mary wondered if George’s drinking was at alcoholic proportions. Is George an alcoholic, or not?
If you’re worried about your spouse, you’re not alone.
Excessive alcohol use is common
While 17.6 million Americans have a problem with the overuse of alcohol, about half of them are either alcoholic, addicted to alcohol, or alcohol dependent—the medical term. Think how many family members this represents. Although many people use the terms alcohol addiction and alcoholism synonymously, there are slight differences that are best left to a clinical diagnosis. What’s important is to learn some basic characteristics of alcoholism that you can use to help you understand your specific situation.
Alcoholism: Not a black & white science
Drinking alcohol is common in our society. Where most people consume alcohol sparingly or in moderation, others have frequent and excessive use. Over the long term, the latter can become a disease or long-term illness. There has been a lot of research on alcoholism, and we know the causes for some people, but not for everyone. There is still much to learn.
Key characteristics of alcoholism
- Cravings: A strong urge to consume alcohol
- Loss of control: An inability to stop drinking once started
- Physical Dependence: Rapid discontinuation of a substance causes a withdrawal reaction. This starts as a psychological dependence (compulsive need for alcohol)
- Increasing tolerance: Requiring more alcohol to get “high” than previously
Whether or not George is an alcoholic may not be immediately clear. We don’t know if he had cravings in between his 4 drinking bouts in those 3 months. But it’s curious. With 4 incidents of drinking and each one resulting in George being significantly drunk, we can suspect a loss of control and perhaps a psychological dependence. It’s important to note that a psychological dependence can unintentionally lead to a loss of control, physical dependence and increased tolerance. Frequent consumption is not always the best indicator.
Although George doesn’t drink every day or even every week, this does not mean he is problem free. George may be an alcoholic because when he drinks (regardless of the amount) he shows signs of becoming very intoxicated. The opposite is also true: a person may drink quite a bit and not show signs of being drunk because of having a high tolerance to alcohol. The latter drinker may have an increased tolerance while both drinkers will have physical compromise, if not physical dependence. Alcohol will outwardly degrade the lives of some, while others can function in their careers despite heavy drinking. Being able to function may well actually make it harder to recognize that a person is alcoholic. In either case, alcoholism extracts a price.
After years of consistent alcohol consumption, the body bears the burden, and essential organs become compromised or begin to fail.
When Mary spoke with George about the drinking, he defended his behavior, saying:
“It’s not that frequent; I’ll be okay.”
The drinking does not have to be frequent for it to be a problem. If, when George drinks, he becomes very drunk, it’s a more obvious problem, but remember that even if he showed no signs of being drunk, he could still have a serious alcohol problem.
“All the managers go to the bar on Friday.”
Watch out for this type or rationalization. George has had this job for quite some time without drinking. Yes, he may have more stress now, but a good counselor could help George develop stress management strategies that will serve him much better.
“It won’t happen every week.”
You don’t have to drink every week for it to be a problem.
“I can control it.”
While George may believe that not drinking weekly is a sign of control, he is missing the fact that once he begins, he has no control.
“It’s part of my job. And that is what supports this family.”
This is a rationalization that ignores the fact that he worked in this job for quite some time without drinking.
My story is different, you may think.
This is true. All stories are unique. The differences in genetic make-up, cultural background, and environmental conditioning contributes to the unique effect alcohol has on different people’s body’s. There’s a wide spectrum in how well different physical bodies can process alcohol and the visible effects inherent. What’s important to realize is that although the effects of alcohol may appear different in different people, a psychological dependence over time always develops into a physical dependence.
If you see some of the key characteristics of alcoholism
- Know that there is a problem, and it won’t go away by itself.
- Encourage your spouse to talk with a good addictions counselor who can assess the situation and assist with appropriate next steps.
- If your spouse is open to cutting down or abstinence, a recovery coach or addictions counselor can support them through the process.
- If your spouse is not amenable to any kind of intervention, know that you will be living with this situation until you decide to take steps to change it yourself.
- Counseling and coaching can support you in understanding the unique factors of the drinking problem, how it affects you, how you are part of a complex dynamic, and what you can do to change the situation.