Ron and Alice came to therapy thinking there was no hope for them. Their problem, they said, was frequent arguing. Actually, on second thought, it wasn’t so much the arguing, but the way they argued. They would get into some kind of a disagreement, and Ron would start feeling overwhelmed. He tended to ‘shut down’ and try to avoid the issue, but Alice wouldn’t let it go. Sometimes, she would even follow him around the house, demanding some kind of immediate resolution to the problem. Eventually, the only course Ron could see was to leave the house, and Alice, for a period. Both of them would end up feeling crushed. Why couldn’t they ever seem to come to any kind of resolution to their problems? We put some “fair fighting” rules into place, the first step of which was a time out procedure.

What exactly is a "time out" and how is it a conflict resolution strategy?

Are we talking about the kind of time outs we put our kids in when we don’t like their behavior? Well, kind of; but there are some specific rules for an argument time out. Time outs for couples are a conflict resolution strategy that can help. A time out is a specific amount of time that is agreed upon before the argument, in which both parties separate physically from one another in an attempt to calm down and regroup. I generally suggest 20 minutes or so,  since this is enough time to calm yourself, but not enough time to get involved in something else and just forget the argument altogether. When we get overwhelmed in an argument, we lose our ability to solve problems creatively, and usually end up reacting in old, patterned ways of behavior that we already know don’t work. Taking a little break can help us regroup to try to have a more effective argument.

So what do I do in this time out?

The purpose of the time out is not to escape or be in denial about what’s happening. The purpose of the time out is to calm yourself physiologically, and to try to make a plan for what you want to say and achieve in the argument. So, do not do “escapist” activities like zone on the Internet or turn on a TV show. You aren’t trying to “veg” out; you’re trying to get clarity. Here are some suggestions for:

• Do some deep breathing; try to match the lengths of your inhales/exhales
  
• Take a warm bath
  
• Go outside and get some fresh air
  
• Walk around the block (if you agree with your partner that it’s ok to leave the house)
  
• Journal
  
• Find an activity that helps you to relax and think clearly. Remember, this usually does not involve media, like TV, radio, or Internet.

Setting up your time out agreement

Having an effective time out agreement involves some prep work. First, you need to have an agreement with your partner to try time outs. It’s important that both of you agree that whenever either of you need a time out, there is a time out. You must not argue with your partner that a time out isn’t needed or isn’t appropriate. It’s helpful to have a word or phrase that indicates a time out needs to begin. Next, you need to agree on a time frame. I think 20 minutes is perfect, but some people have tried ½ hour, and it’s fine as long as you both agree on the time frame. Remember, though, that the purpose is simply to gain calmness and clarity. You don’t want the time frame to be so long that you get off track and involved in something else. The most important part of the time out agreement is that you both agree to come back together after the agreed upon time, and try to re-start your discussion in a more productive manner. Hopefully, you will have been able to figure out why you are so upset, and what you really need to say to clarify your feelings and needs.

No way. This will never work for me! We'll never learn this conflict resolution skill.

Ron and Alice initially thought this would never work. Ron didn’t believe that Alice would really back off for 20 minutes. As we talked about it more though, Ron realized that what Alice was afraid of was that Ron was avoiding her and leaving her alone! If he guaranteed his full attention after 20 minutes, she was willing to let go. This agreement addresses the main fears of both people—for Ron, he gets to have a break from feeling so overwhelmed. For Alice, she knows he’ll keep coming back to the table and won’t leave her alone.

When they did start doing time outs, Ron found that he didn’t get so overwhelmed in the first place, simply from knowing that he had some control over the situation. And, when he did call a time out, Alice was happy to allow him some time to formulate his thoughts on their disagreement. She usually got more clarity about her fears as well. They didn’t always come to a compromise on every issue, but Alice never again faced a slamming door.

Summary

Once again, here are the steps to a good time out agreement:

• Agree to try time outs
  
• Agree that anyone can call one at any time (create a word/phrase)
  
• Agree on a time limit (I suggest 20 minutes)
  
• Decide ahead of time what your time out calming activity will be
  
• Agree to come together again after your time out to continue your disagreement and try to come to resolution

It sounds simple, but it’s very effective. The first step is an agreement. You can go to your partner right now and simply say, “You know how our arguments are painful and we usually end up not solving anything? I’ve got a new idea to try!” Remember that new skills, including conflict resolution skills, take a few tries, and be patient with yourselves.